I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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