Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
