Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
