Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
