he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
