just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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