Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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