you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
