Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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