I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
