I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
