I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I want a musical about memes.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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