just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
