Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
