Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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