the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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