ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
