In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
That accounts for only three of the penises
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
