they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
