I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
