The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
