All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
