I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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