I'm lost and stupid without you.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
