Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
