I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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