The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize