I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
