I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
