So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
