I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
