Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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