I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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