I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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