wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
