i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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