forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
organizing the empties. That sober.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
