this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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