you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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