I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
