I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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