We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i think my cat just said my name.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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