he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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