it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
