Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize