Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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