i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize