one two three fourrrrnication!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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