Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
