i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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