In the future we'll all be gay
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
