i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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