Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
