my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
His hands were made for my vagina.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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