theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
